“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Dalai Lama
Charisma is not only about talking but listening too.
What does it mean?
- Being neutral and non-judgmental
- Being patient
- Using verbal and non verbal ways to show active listening
- Asking questions and for clarification if required
- Really understanding what is being said
- Summarising
What does it not mean?
- Being in your own head barely paying attention
- Day dreaming
- Lacking respect for your interlocutor
- Interrupting inappropriately and wanting to be the centre of attention
- Avoiding eye contact
- Showing signs of impatience
- Being distracted by your phone or other
- Ignoring what you don’t understand
- Pretending to pay attention!
So how do we become charismatic listeners? Here are some important factors in charismatic listening. There are many more, but these can be introduced in daily behaviours right now.
Mirror their words
When we use someone’s own words and repeat them back – with subtlety and moderation – we make that person feel acknowledged, heard and considered. Mirroring also means, and promotes, paying attention. This is active listening.
Master the 3 A’s of listening
There are many variations of this but, commonly, these are the 3 A’s of listening:
Attention – Pay attention to the person speaking. It’s not easy to listen without internally judging or questioning (criticising) what is being said. It doesn’t mean you need to agree with everything that is being said. It means being open and patient. It’s even harder to not let the mind wonder to other areas of our lives which have nothing to do with what is being said at times. Appreciate what is being said with patience and tolerance. Don’t attempt to mind read others or speculate. If you aren’t sure what is being said, ask the person to clarify. Similarly, don’t be thinking about your next words. The more you quieten your mind to avoid judgement, mind-reading and anticipation, the more focussed you will be on the other person and the more you will become an effective and charismatic listener. Listen attentively and look at the other person. That doesn’t mean you need to spook them with piercing eyes. I’ll have insights on confident body language soon.
Attitude – Don’t fake it. Really pay attention and if you are really interested in what someone has to say, you won’t indeed have to pretend to pay attention. Again, you don’t have to agree with what is being said, just be interested.
Adjustment – Remain flexible and patient without jumping the gun on what might be said next. Less anticipation leads to more active listening.
Treat others like a coach would: Empower them
People often want someone to listen to them not someone to bombard them with advice. All advice is only valid for the person giving the advice, not the person to whom the advice is addressed. When we give advice we speak through our filters, beliefs, values and experiences. These are all different for each one of us. What people want to hear is silence. At the most, they might want you to show you are paying attention by repeating some of their words or statements as described in the attention section.
“The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent” Alfred Brendel
Encourage the other person to make their own decisions without trying to manipulate or influence them. We don’t tell people what to do. We ask them what they want to do. You can however make subtle suggestions as long as you are willing to let go if the other person doesn’t “bite”.
This is empowerment through active listening and giving the choice and decision-making power to your interlocutor.
Take care.
MK Elouar
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